A Year In Review

I was happy to see the arrival of 2011.  Happy to have 2010 and its drama over with.  2011 proved to have its share of drama, it just didn't centre on me so much this time.  Another year jammed packed with life and all that it entails; my brother married his sweetheart (and sweetheart she is), a dear aunt died, my boys turned 3 and 5.  Friends moved closer, friends moved away, new friends were made.  I learnt to jump, started the process of re-getting to know myself,  decided to make myself available to life.  This year, I was determined to not just survive, but to thrive. 

Here are a few things that helped me do just that this year....

This song.  My brother sent it to me, and I played it over and over some days.  I often did feel like I was surrounded by "brothers" and this song gave me courage and strength.



An epic event to plan for, work towards, utterly enjoy, and talk about for months after.  The Petervine wedding. An beautiful day, a love story ten plus years in the making.  So incredibly blessed to have these two in my life.

This incredible woman.  Deb Taylor.  From the moment I first "met" her (ours is an Internet relationship) I was completely enthralled with her spirit.  If I have even one ounce of her vivaciousness, lust for life, courage, honesty, bravado, and energy I would consider that successful!  Whenever I find myself afraid to take a step towards a photo and put myself out there, I look at this photo and am inspired once again to take those giant leaps toward being raw and true.  Love love love this woman.  You can find her at www.diddebdoit.blogspot.com 
 


This spot.  I found out that it is possible to fall madly, head over heals, want to breathe it, touch it, feel it always, in love with a parcel of earth.

Treasures.  In the many shapes and sizes they came in this year.  But especially these two treasures.

Inner drama queen.  I have one.  I didn't know that. I kinda like her.

People.  I happen to have really great ones in my life! 

I could go on and on I think.  There is so much to be thankful for.  So much to look forward to.  So much to look back on.  But oh so much in this moment to be lived.

Cheers to you all, may your new year be blessed.

Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget that all it takes is simple walk in the bush to cure all that ails me.
 This time..... I remembered!

Someone Else's Window

Each year, as the lights and tinsel and holiday frenzy descend as quickly as the sun from the sky I tend to follow the same path....

I watch others traditions. 
Try to gauge my reactions, or lack of action.
Attempt to create new traditions.
Try to understand my intentions, or lack of attention.
Each year I am no further ahead.

What baffles me is that I feel the need to search, still, after so many years of not participating. 
To grab hold of some part of this that speaks to me. 
Create meaning and substance and package it neatly to spit out as a quick answer for the inevitable questions.
Understand myself so that I might help others understand me.
Each year I am no further ahead.

This year seems to be no different.
I do love the lights though, this much I know.

Still

Caution to the Wind

I am getting better at it, throwing caution (fear) to the wind.  Sometimes I can be a slow learner!

Sometime, around this time, one year ago...

Sometime around this time, one year ago, unbeknown to the entire family (and maybe even herself?), my Aunt started dying.
It was January when I first heard she was sick, February when she went to the hospital, and March when she died.. 

I just can't seem to get that phrase out of my head.
Sometime, around this time, one year ago, she was already dying.

And yet she was alive.

Leaving birthday messages on my answering machine.
Sending me packages of bright red dishes and painted birds.
Collecting enamel pots and polka dot mugs and smiling, smiling, smiling.

It can be excruciating sometimes, learning new realities.
I never thought to think about a time when the sound of her and my mom laughing from the kitchen would not be the background music of my life.
Never thought to think that fifteen minutes away in the next town over, a wide and smiling, excited to see me, welcoming warm hug from my aunt, would not be forever waiting for me.

Sometime, around this time, one year ago and for as long as I have lived, my world was changing.  I was slowly learning (still am), that this life I lead is not good, nor bad, it simply is my life. 
That it is not my job to relive the relationship my mom and my aunt had within my own relationship with my sisters.  Ours will take their own paths.
That even though the laughter of my aunt is left only in my memory,  I am still (have always been) surrounded with laughter.

Love

I don't judge the moon.
When its full, its full.  A sliver is simply a sliver.
Let the moon be. 
Let it pull the ocean, the seasons, my body.  Waxing. Waning.
Nothing to do but marvel at the craters and character.
Wonder at the vastness.
Gaze.
Find warm green grass to curl up under, or clear crisp winter nights to walk in.
And watch.  Listen.
There is no need to argue with the moon.  It does me no good.
The the moon is exactly what it is.

Why then do I judge love?


Moon layer by Glen Fahrlander



This Moment

This moment I am:

- cuddled up by the fire
- listening to Edith Piaf
- thankful to be safely home with my boys in our cozy little home
- looking forward to two days with absolutely nothing planned
- loving the excitement of a brand new (to me) car
- feeling nostalgic about retiring the old truck
- in love with the people in my life

This moment is good.

Today

Little boys.  Big subjects.
Quiet voices.  Loud questions.

Remember

Today I will take a big breath and remember that life is not explainable in black and white.  And if life is not explainable in black and white, then neither is death. Neither is love, heart ache, heart break. Neither is right.  Neither is wrong.  Neither is war.

There is colour exploding everywhere in life.

Today I will take a big breath, draw my boys close, and try my best to explain the unexplainable.  That it is possible to be horrified by all that war entails, yet be incredibly grateful for those that sacrificed so much.  That it would break my heart if that is the path they choose, yet would respect them if they did.  That there is no such thing as a "bad person", yet there are people who make terrible mistakes.
 
There is colour exploding everywhere in life.

Today I will take a big breath, cherish those I love, and remember all that is unexplainable.

Cheriee

A gift from a friend.  Words from a mother long since left this world still lingering on a faded piece of paper.  Her name, in red ink, spelled wrong, not corrected.

I cannot tell you how often I have taken it out of its sweet little carrying case. Opened it up to write a note, tell a tale. 

Every time I am struck.  Struck by this longing to add my name to the page.  Connect myself to this woman who I love simply from the stories I have heard and the ground I know we both have touched.  Type my name, that is all.

State that I am here.  Bare my imperfections as simply as adding an extra "e" to the end of my name. 

Full Circle

Remember in grade school when you laid down on a big piece of paper, someone drew your outline, and then you got to colour it to look like yourself.  I giggled a little to myself today when I realized I am still participating in this exercise. 

Buoyant

If I had to describe my life these days in one word.
What would your word be?

Little Hands Speak Loudly



Corn fields

I have fancied myself a writer for as long as I can remember.  Problem is, I haven't written much more than diary entries, the odd poem, and countless first paragraphs to "that book" I am going to write someday.  There are moments that I get so intimidated by the greats, and what others seem to do effortlessly, that I am tempted to throw all my words into the fire and forget the dream.

This spring, in the midst of needing desperately to do something for me, to get to know myself, to find what I had lost, or maybe never had, I discovered photography.  Here too was something that I have always been drawn too, but too intimidated to try seriously. 

And then (with a few nudges from some sweet sweet souls) the realization slowly sank in that only I can write, and photograph the world as I see it.  This is what sets us all apart as artists (eek, did I just call myself that?).  It is not about the skill level (that will come with time) or the possible, someday down the road greatness (which may or may not ever arrive). It is about NOW.  Seeing the world through my eyes, paying attention to how I see things, how I experience them. And then, maybe, if I am brave enough, vulnerable enough.... sharing my view.

And this is how I see my world, today.....


Corn field



Much to be thankful for

There is so much that I am thankful for this past year. This is just a glimpse of a few....

These two boys and moments like these.

The combination of water and dirt (and boys!)

The gift of a camera, and the discovery of a wonderful woman that has changed my life

http://www.youareyourownmuse.com/

Flowers that bloom in April.

Flowers that bloom in October.

A place in the woods to just be.

Discovering the joy of jumping.

Cheers to all that you are thankful for!

Welcome

My debut into the world of blogging. Yikes! I have been wanting to do this for some time now, finally, finally, here I go! I hope you enjoy yourself amoung the words and photos I will gather here. Words and photos meant to let you in (just a little) on how I view this awesome, crazy, kooky, imperfect, and beautiful world we live in. Come on in and join me, this is gonna be fun!