Someone Else's Window

Each year, as the lights and tinsel and holiday frenzy descend as quickly as the sun from the sky I tend to follow the same path....

I watch others traditions. 
Try to gauge my reactions, or lack of action.
Attempt to create new traditions.
Try to understand my intentions, or lack of attention.
Each year I am no further ahead.

What baffles me is that I feel the need to search, still, after so many years of not participating. 
To grab hold of some part of this that speaks to me. 
Create meaning and substance and package it neatly to spit out as a quick answer for the inevitable questions.
Understand myself so that I might help others understand me.
Each year I am no further ahead.

This year seems to be no different.
I do love the lights though, this much I know.