Shifts

Life shifts, moves, settles.  Is flipped upside down, crumbled, built up.
Last year, in this season- the final dying gasps of winter and the beginning twinkle of spring- my life shifted. Mimicked February.  Died in some ways, began anew in others.

My Aunt began her last month of life- in a hospital bed, all of us gathering to say goodbye without saying goodbye in the hopes it was not true, was not as terrible as it appeared, that some miracle might rain down from above, that possibly it was as simple as choosing life.

I struggle, still struggle to understand how you can go from living to dying in almost an instant. 

Can we choose life in all situations? 

Some have asked me how I could be so brave.  Put myself out there for all to see.
I say,
I have spent too much of my life already hiding.
Afraid truths and sins and flaws would wash away all possible love.
And while I lived to tell the tale and remain loved (maybe even more so by some), a whole lot of hurt still happened because I too was afraid of my own self.

What is the most important thing about me that I am too afraid to tell you?  Still?  Someday I hope the answer is nothing.

You see, I always considered myself close to my Aunt. Related to her sometimes more so than my own mother.  Considered her a constant factor in my life.  And yet I realise now, I have no idea who she was.  What she ached for, longed for, had already achieved, wished to do, wanted to change.  What made her cry, what she considered her greatest mistakes, what made her heart full, what events shifted her world, what made her dance like a crazy fool when completely alone? 

And so I find myself speaking.  Taking photos and telling stories.  Refusing to hide, no matter how scary it is.  And it might just take me a lifetime to conquer it all.  And I feel completely blessed in this crazy journey.

So, what is the most important thing about you that I don't know?