A Year In Review

I was happy to see the arrival of 2011.  Happy to have 2010 and its drama over with.  2011 proved to have its share of drama, it just didn't centre on me so much this time.  Another year jammed packed with life and all that it entails; my brother married his sweetheart (and sweetheart she is), a dear aunt died, my boys turned 3 and 5.  Friends moved closer, friends moved away, new friends were made.  I learnt to jump, started the process of re-getting to know myself,  decided to make myself available to life.  This year, I was determined to not just survive, but to thrive. 

Here are a few things that helped me do just that this year....

This song.  My brother sent it to me, and I played it over and over some days.  I often did feel like I was surrounded by "brothers" and this song gave me courage and strength.



An epic event to plan for, work towards, utterly enjoy, and talk about for months after.  The Petervine wedding. An beautiful day, a love story ten plus years in the making.  So incredibly blessed to have these two in my life.

This incredible woman.  Deb Taylor.  From the moment I first "met" her (ours is an Internet relationship) I was completely enthralled with her spirit.  If I have even one ounce of her vivaciousness, lust for life, courage, honesty, bravado, and energy I would consider that successful!  Whenever I find myself afraid to take a step towards a photo and put myself out there, I look at this photo and am inspired once again to take those giant leaps toward being raw and true.  Love love love this woman.  You can find her at www.diddebdoit.blogspot.com 
 


This spot.  I found out that it is possible to fall madly, head over heals, want to breathe it, touch it, feel it always, in love with a parcel of earth.

Treasures.  In the many shapes and sizes they came in this year.  But especially these two treasures.

Inner drama queen.  I have one.  I didn't know that. I kinda like her.

People.  I happen to have really great ones in my life! 

I could go on and on I think.  There is so much to be thankful for.  So much to look forward to.  So much to look back on.  But oh so much in this moment to be lived.

Cheers to you all, may your new year be blessed.

Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget that all it takes is simple walk in the bush to cure all that ails me.
 This time..... I remembered!

Someone Else's Window

Each year, as the lights and tinsel and holiday frenzy descend as quickly as the sun from the sky I tend to follow the same path....

I watch others traditions. 
Try to gauge my reactions, or lack of action.
Attempt to create new traditions.
Try to understand my intentions, or lack of attention.
Each year I am no further ahead.

What baffles me is that I feel the need to search, still, after so many years of not participating. 
To grab hold of some part of this that speaks to me. 
Create meaning and substance and package it neatly to spit out as a quick answer for the inevitable questions.
Understand myself so that I might help others understand me.
Each year I am no further ahead.

This year seems to be no different.
I do love the lights though, this much I know.

Still

Caution to the Wind

I am getting better at it, throwing caution (fear) to the wind.  Sometimes I can be a slow learner!

Sometime, around this time, one year ago...

Sometime around this time, one year ago, unbeknown to the entire family (and maybe even herself?), my Aunt started dying.
It was January when I first heard she was sick, February when she went to the hospital, and March when she died.. 

I just can't seem to get that phrase out of my head.
Sometime, around this time, one year ago, she was already dying.

And yet she was alive.

Leaving birthday messages on my answering machine.
Sending me packages of bright red dishes and painted birds.
Collecting enamel pots and polka dot mugs and smiling, smiling, smiling.

It can be excruciating sometimes, learning new realities.
I never thought to think about a time when the sound of her and my mom laughing from the kitchen would not be the background music of my life.
Never thought to think that fifteen minutes away in the next town over, a wide and smiling, excited to see me, welcoming warm hug from my aunt, would not be forever waiting for me.

Sometime, around this time, one year ago and for as long as I have lived, my world was changing.  I was slowly learning (still am), that this life I lead is not good, nor bad, it simply is my life. 
That it is not my job to relive the relationship my mom and my aunt had within my own relationship with my sisters.  Ours will take their own paths.
That even though the laughter of my aunt is left only in my memory,  I am still (have always been) surrounded with laughter.